If I could only have that day back.
If I could only wake up on that morning as a seventeen year old girl, the morning after the night when your father said “take this decision to bed with you, and whatever you decide in the morning is probably what you should do”. If, instead of letting the fear and uncertainty come crashing into my mind that morning , I could’ve instead considered the love I already felt for you, the desire to hold and cuddle you, the desire to be loved by you and let that longing guide me instead. If only I had a single adult in my life who was willing to help point me in the right direction, so that I wouldn’t have felt so alone and unable to care for you. If only the people at the clinic had made any other option seem realistic. I could’ve made the decision simply to do nothing to stand in your way, and just let you live. If only I could feel a connection to you now., but I can’t. I can imagine you as compassionate soul who maybe feels sorry for me, but I can’t imagine you would ever love me. I never got to take care of you when you were helpless, or sick, or cranky. I never got to look into your eyes and wonder what you will grow up to be. In fact, though I do those things with your siblings, I wonder how they could ever really love me and if they only do because I am the only mom they know. If only I could spend just one day with you and know who you are, I would not spend every other day wishing I could go back to that morning.