Disaster Turned to Glory
Author: ALYSSA Baby Name: Aurora Birth Date: September/2002 Abortion Date: February/2002
I was a 20 year old girl and I thought I was living the ‘high life’. I had a lot of good things going for me. I was living in a 3 bedroom rent house with 4 girls. We were partying and having the time of our lives. I had finally caught the attention of a super handsome guy and thought things were really going to start changing. I had a decent job, money in my pocket and tons of new friends. We had just had a massive New Years Eve party and royally trashed our place. I never knew or even considered how my life could turn in such a flash.
It all started when my roommate, the girl I chose to share a room with, decided to commit suicide. It was such a tragic event that took all of us by surprise. She was 19 and way too young to take her own life. I came home from work one day to a very unsettling feeling in the air. I knew something was off… But I didn’t have time for that! My boyfriend was coming over and I had to get myself ready. After he got there (within 30 minutes) I found my roommate in our garage hanging from an extension cord from the garage railing. That night went zero to 90 spiraling out of control quick. I have never seen so many different types of people (CSI, Coroners, Firefighters, Police, etc). No one knew what to say or do. My parents didn’t even know how to help me… It was then that life got really tough for me (and all of us). We had her funeral and proceeded to drown our sorrows in parties and alcohol. It was also then that I had realized I had skipped my period.
I didn’t have the greatest of upbringings. My mom chose to commit adultery and include me in on the secret. My dad had anger issues and I was the one that raised my little sister (12 years younger). I was the one that forced my mom to tell her secret about her adultery. When she wasn’t 100%.. I filled in the blanks. In some ways I believe my mom will always resent me for that.
I could sit here and tell you that all my promiscuity was a direct result of my relationship with my parents. I could tell you it was my choice of ignorance and blame on youth. But it doesn’t matter…. The simple fact is… I had NO relationship with Christ and had no idea of what his love could mean to me.
So, the night of the funeral ‘party’ I told the guy I was dating that I thought I was pregnant.. He actually asked me if it was his. I mean who can blame him… Young/Dumb Teenagers!
I chose to ignore it. I went to the doctor and got it confirmed.. and yet I ignored it. I chose to talk to my mom. I was hopeful she would point me in the right direction. However, she pointed me in only 1 direction. She led me to believe that I couldn’t have a baby, it would ruin my life, I wouldn’t be able to take care of it and if I got rid of it… No one had to know. None of what she told me provided me with any comfort.
Over the course of a couple of weeks, my appetite grew stronger and my belly became more bloated. It was becoming increasingly harder to ignore… There were days I would sit in the mirror and look at myself and be so ashamed. I actually would (sometimes) punch my stomach so that I could ‘miscarry’ versus getting an abortion. However, that did not work nor did it change my decision.
I remember feeling so dark… Everything just felt gray, lonely and depressing. I had no one to really talk to. I had no one I could get good advice from. I don’t think I have ever been so out of my mind in darkness than I was at that point.
I decided to make the appointment and do what ‘needed’ to be done (so to speak). I asked my boyfriend to help. He didn’t. But he did go with me that day, along with my mom.
We got to the clinic and I paid my $400 dollars (which was my money and my money only)and filled out my paperwork. There were other girls in the waiting room.. But you could tell it was not a time for chit chat. You could feel the room be very ‘still’ or ‘stagnant’. Everyone had serious looks on their face and no one wanted to look at anyone. They called me back and everything went so fast. There was no ‘time’ to think, question, talk, feel or process. I went from one room to another and was on the table and undressed before I knew it. The doctor came in and did a sonogram. I BEGGED for a picture of my baby. They said they normally wouldn’t do that but I continued to BEG. They gave me one. The doctor told me I was 11 weeks and 4 days. I was so close to that 12 week mark… Ugh! So, they told me they would give me a ‘local’ pain killer to make me feel the ‘pain’ a little less. It must have been baby aspirin because it did absolutely ZERO for my pain. The cranked up the machine and proceeded to RIP my baby from me. The pain I felt is indescribable. Unless you have had an abortion… then you know!! The sucking, the pulling, the pressure, the pain… it was all I could do to not scream. I told the doctors how much I hated this and hated them. As soon as the process was over…. I was EMPTY! The young, vibrant, care free, fun, lively and energetic girl was GONE. I felt like she died that day! A large piece of me died with my baby that day. They got me off the table and took me to recovery. I laid there for 20-30 minutes. I laid there feeling so much more ashamed than before and sorrow. While I laid feeling my horrible feelings I noticed a girl next to me talking about this being her 3rd or 4th one. She said had to get to the club that weekend. I wanted to punch her. Once I was able to get up my mom and boyfriend walked me out. My mom didn’t even ride with me. My boyfriend drove me in my car. We got in and were supposed to head home, but didn’t. My mother and boyfriend where hungry…….. We stopped at Denny’s before taking me home. I couldn’t even function, let alone eat. They ate and I sat there in a fog wanting to wither away and disappear. I wouldn’t say I wanted to die but I did want to disappear. After they ate we went back to my apartment and I went upstairs and laid down. My mom went back to work and my boyfriend took off in my car. I was alone… again! My roommate had been home and suspected what I had done. She did not approve. However, she never claimed to know I was pregnant until then. After a few minutes she figured it all out and began a huge fight screaming at me. It was awful. We didn’t talk for a while after that.
After the abortion I went on working and carrying on as if nothing happened. I wasn’t the same person. I was so messed up from having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and then having the Abortion. I worked, I drank and I pretended as if nothing ever happened.
Life shifted after that. I left my job and spiraled out a little. I went and stayed with a cousin in another town to get away. My boyfriend and I quickly stopped dating. And finally went to live back at home and get back on the right path. My parents didn’t really give me much grief through any of this. They didn’t give me any encouragement either. I started working at a new job and within a couple of weeks I met someone who I never thought would be able to completely change my life.
One day this guy heard from a friend about a cute receptionist (that’s me!) and wanted to come meet her. We met, we talked and we exchanged #’s. He was different from the rest of the guys I dated. He took his time, insisted on honesty and was beyond responsible. After a few months of dating I moved in with him. After that it was 3 ½ years before he would get down on one knee and propose.
I am married to that man today and he is an amazing man of God. He has helped me to grow up, mature, become responsible and has completed me in a way I never knew possible. He is my rock, my protector, my best friend and soul mate. He considers my aborted child his own and said if I had her he would have loved her like he loves our children. We have had 2 miscarriages and have 2 beautiful boys that are 5 & 4 years old. We are beyond blessed.
Two years ago a friend mentioned a class to me.. It was an abortion healing class. I decided I would check it out. It’s called Surrendering the Secret. This 8 week bible study changed my life, improved my marriage and opened my eyes to God’s forgiveness, love, mercy, grace and sorrow for my loss. I was able to release the anger, forgive and grieve my unborn child. I got to lay her to rest through a memorial service and am forever at peace with everything. God also revealed to me that it was a little girl and I would have named her Aurora (Rory).
I, now, am certified to lead this bible study and hope and pray everyone that has suffered an abortion will seek out this class. It can change your life! It changed mine!
Surrenderingthesecret@tpcfamily.org – email for interest.
Thank you for reading my story. Thank you for letting me share my life. Thank you for caring! God Bless!