Author: Anonymous Birth Date: Feb 2019 Abortion Date: July 2018
I cried when I first realised you were there, I’d say it was sudden, but I had figured you were there long before then.
It was early evening, I was tired, and scared, but somehow you comforted me.
Just knowing you were there, and you were mine, calmed me down.
But the storm was brewing, I knew I couldn’t have you. I would never be able to know you. It’s not right, I’m not right. I’m unstable, my income, my mind. my moods, nothing is simple with me. He’s not stable, financially, where he wants to be, any of it.
I always thought it would be easy, that I wouldn’t think twice, and it would be over with in no time. But this hurt. It hurt me physically, mentally, in every single second of my life and time, I ached because of my decision.
Every flutter, every twinge of change within me, every single second you spent with me, I cherished. I wish I could have seen you – heard you, held you.
I had dreams and visions of you, what you’d be like, your eyes, your hair, whether you’d have my nose or his face, what your little hands would feel like holding my finger. I fought every single thought out of my mind, I refused to listen to them, I didn’t want to think about them, or you. I convinced myself you were a burden on me, weighing me down, making me sick and ruining my life.
But you weren’t, you just wanted to live. You had a heart, it was beating. You had nerves, so did you feel it?
I will always hate myself for what I did to you, and I’ll always wonder what you would look like, sound like, how it would feel to rock you back and forth to sleep.
I wish I could have been better for you. I wish things were different, I wish I was different. I love you Jellybean. To the moon and back.