Loved and Lost
Author: Mommy Birth Date: December, 1983 Abortion Date: April, 1983
My dear, sweet, only biological child. How could I have done this almost 34 years ago? I was fresh out of a Christian College, and a new boyfriend. Life was just blossoming for me. Ironically, it was for you too precious!! But I could only see my life, my future, my family’s disapproval. How very wrong I was!! My life would have been beautiful with you!!! My future would have been bright with you!!! My family would have adored you!!!
It’s ok, they said.
It’s only a clump of cells, they said.
It will be quick, they said.
I’m not ready, he said. But I can’t do this! I said.
We were up all night talking about you. He didn’t want a child. I did!! But then, by dawn, he changed his mind. But by then, I had changed my mind too. So sad. So complex. So confusing is the human mind and heart!!! It’s just by this time, I felt he didn’t really want the burden of a child, and only agreed to my begging. Then I felt ashamed for shaming him, and knew I had lost respect for him for not wanting our little family right away!!! Did I over-think it? Yes, I did. Did I listen to my heart? Yes, at first, then I stopped listening to it, and let them take you. I asked the doctor if you were a girl or a boy, and he said he didn’t know, but that it was just one fetus. One baby. My baby.
Now I am 58 years old and have 2 beautiful children by in-vitro. Donor egg. That’s right, I could never again have my own biological children and had to find an egg donor because I had been living my life, believing the feminist lies that I could wait, I could have children later, I could have them in my 40’s or 50’s. Yes, you can have children later in life. But know this: they can cost $10’s of thousands of dollars, they can take years of trying and the emotional rollercoaster is almost unbearable. There are shots and shots and shots. Pills and Dr. visits and questions and answers and ohhhh the thoughts of guilt and what if”s and on and on.
God did help me to eventually have babies. Not my own biological ones, but children to love and raise. He didn’t have to. After all, look what I did to the first one He gave me. I was young, yes. I was scared, yes. And I was brainwashed like so many young women were then and still are. How sad to tell us it’s OUR CHOICE, and to tell us it’s ok. No, it’s not ok.
I will always love you and even though we only had those 7 weeks together, I know your spirit is still alive somewhere, maybe even nearby. I know I am forgiven by you and God, and I thank you both for that comfort!
I just don’t know if I can ever forgive myself. I will regret the decision to abort you until the moment I die. And then I pray that the next moment, I will see you for the first time. I never named you. But to me you will always be…my baby.