My precious angel baby – please forgive me
This month you would have turned 22.
My baby, my sweet sweet first baby. I am so so sorry. There are not enough words to express the sorrow i feel at what i did to you. No words to adequately express the regret, the guilt and the shame.
I wish i could go back, i wish i could go back to April 29 1994, and not do what i did to you.
At the time, barely 17 years old, i thought that i could do it, i thought that i could bring you into this world. I tried to oragnise things, to rent a place to live, to plan how i could give you a safe and happy life on my own. There would have been no shortage of love for you, that i knew…..and then, reality set in. No money, no family support (though if i had of told them i know that you would be in my arms, not only in my heart) and in my juvenille mind, after what seemed an endless amount of time trying to come to a descision, i thought that i was doing the right thing by deciding to send you to heaven. It is no excuse, but i truely believed in my heart that i was doing what was best for you.
Of course, i wish i knew then what i know now.
I wish i had seen a Dr, i wish i had heard your heartbeat, i wish i had seen you on ultrasound – because if i had, you would be here today. I wish i had reached out for support, i wish i had not made that appointment, that i did not get on that train, that i did not walk though those doors, that i did not tell the counsellor that i was ok with what i was about to do, and i wish that i had yelled STOP, I DONT WANT TO DO THIS as they put me to sleep.
I know i cant go back. I know i thought i was doing what was best for you. But i cant forgive myself.
You did exist. You still exist in my heart. You still exist in my memories. I just wish that you existed on this earth. You should have existed on this earth.
My precious angel baby, I love you more than words can say. I have loved you from the moment you were conceived, and will continue to love you for all of eternity.