For Llewellyn Hisashi: I’ll Always Love You
Author: My First Name Baby Name: Llewellyn Birth Date: 3/16/20
Not even a mere 2 months ago would I have imagined I would have to cremate and scatter my own flesh and blood. If someone had told me that this day, I would have to do that, I would have told them to go to hell, because I knew that would never have to happen. But unfortunately, that cold, dark thought has now become a very harsh, frigid reality.
I can’t even grasp the words that I want to say to you, little one. Other than I am so, so, so, sorry. I’m sorry that I couldn’t save you. I’m sorry that your father and I couldn’t support you. And most of all, I am so so very sorry that it had to come to this.
When I found out that I was going to be a mommy, I was quite horrified, as any 17 year old girl would be. But as I slowly moved along and started to feel more symptoms, I felt more comfortable with the idea. You gave me a chance to make myself better. Before I got pregnant with you, your mother was really struggling a lot. She was very viciously unhappy, chronically depressed, and on the brink of suicide. But you, darling, gave her a chance to live. A reason to wake up. A reason to stop cutting, to start drinking more water, to start leaving the house and exercising. A purpose.
I love you. I love you. I love you so, so much, little one. And I know I keep talking about me but I do want to say a few words on your father’s behalf. Your father was, and remains, one of the most intelligent, compassionate, and wonderful people I have ever been given the privilege to know. I know, with complete and utter honesty, that if you were able to be with us in the flesh, he would have adored you, and been an amazing father. I know this with absolute certainty. But he knew, way before me, that having you would cause problems for all 3 of us. He never wished to do this out of his own self-worth. He wanted to do this because he wanted to save you from a life that would not have been the best, because you deserve better. I am sorry he couldn’t be here.
Mere words of any possible language, dialect, nor tongue would even begin to describe how sorry I am that this had to happen. I love you more than anything in the world. And if it were possible, I would take your place. I know that this is what we have to do. And I know that right now, you’re in heaven listening to this. Jesus loves you so much. He really does. And I know that a place in Heaven for you is better than a life on Earth. Jesus loves you more than anyone, of course, but me, I love you more than any human possibly could. It was my one dream to one day be able to hold you in my arms and snuggle you and shower you with kisses. To give you all the love I have in my heart, all the love that I felt like I had never felt from anyone else in my life. You would have been the sweetest, most cutest baby that the world ever would have seen. Sweetheart, you are the best thing to happen to me and I’m sorry I couldn’t make my dream for you a reality. I just couldn’t do that to you. I’m sick and my sickness would have caused you to be born sick, riddled with the same depression, anxiety, and anemia that I have been afflicted with. I didn’t want you to suffer like me, so I had to let you go.
As long as I walk this earth, I will never forget you, and I will never, ever, ever stop loving you. You mean everything in the world to me and more. I love you more than there are stars in the sky. I love you more than Kanye West loves Kanye West. I love you more than there are animals on the earth. There is no plausible or possible way that I will ever be able to demonstrate the amount of love I have for you. I carry you in my heart and I am never without you. You were too good for this world. Being able to carry you within me for this depressingly short time has been the most magical, wonderful blessing a woman could ever ask for.
My precious little angel, Mommy loves you more than any person could possibly imagine. My heart swells with joy just knowing that I had the chance to be your mommy. You are, and will remain to be, my everything. And although I could never hold you in my arms, I will always hold you in my heart.