The worst decision I made and keep secret from most…
Author: Renae Baby Name: Thomas Birth Date: Oct/Nov. 2001 Abortion Date: 5/19/2001
I loved you immediately and I still made the wrong “choice”. I didn’t seek counsel like I should of, instead I let a scared father, and an expected move in with a friend control my decision. I knew better and let medical “what ifs” be the reasoning behind my very bad decision. Had I not had type I diabetes, and been newly diagnosed and better educated, I know I wouldn’t of ended such a sweet little life. If only I talked with more people who knew more about my possible outcomes!!!
I didn’t believe in such an evil idea, I wanted you sweet baby! So many factors, and I know I can never change that day. Why didn’t I say no?!?!
I found out I was expecting you, and called and called the father! He didn’t answer until the next day. I understood then why I was feeling so emotionally unstable for weeks on end. I couldn’t go to class, I was alone in a single dorm room, nothing felt right, I felt alone and just off. I finally tested and confirmed the result I had suspected for the last few weeks. And when your father said he couldn’t have you, he said he had no career or house to provide for you. I didn’t believe him, I didn’t believe reality. Why didn’t I take better care of myself? I should of learned about my newly diagnosed health conditions. I heard my uncontrolled blood sugars could really harm you I was so afraid, and yet I still should of had you no mater what!
I knew the types of abortions, and convinced myself I needed to do it soon, I didn’t want a saline one, that seemed “cruel”, like any type was humane!
So off we went one May day an hour away and to end your life, for our own selfish ambitions. Your father paid for things, I went in a room had the ultra sound, and saw your heart beating and you there, I don’t think I was supposed to see the screen but I am glad I did, God showed me you were very real, and I remember thinking why did I have to have a condition that would harm you, why couldn’t I be healthy? I wasn’t strong enough then to admit I didn’t want to have a baby with a chance of an abnormalities. I also thought why aren’t the fathers required to see the ultra sounds and hear that heart beat? If only he had we would of been strong enough to walk out together, I know it!
I remember the small room, the medical staff acting like it was just an everyday thing. The nurse was kind but still they didn’t seem to realize how sad this really was. Your murder didn’t hurt me like I thought it should of. I was in very little pain, even in recovery. I really felt bad I wasn’t in more pain, considering what just happened. Your father took me shopping and to lunch before we headed home.
A few days later I woke up with a wet shirt, I had loved you so much I began to make milk to feed you, my body didn’t realize you weren’t born, you were gone. I knew even more then how horrible the reality was. I became more depressed as the months went along, I gained weight, and was plain miserable. I finally found some counseling but I took a long time to grow up and forgive myself.
I named you Thomas after my grandfather who passed away and meant so much to me, but I really do not know if you were a boy or girl. I do know that I will use this horrible mistake to do God’s work and save another young woman from that path.
I love you my little one, you have 2 sisters now, and another sibling in heaven with you from natural loss. I can’t wait to see you someday.
Love, you Mommy